Dail it back…

In an effort to be a do-gooder I recently threw myself into a charity event where I met my newest crush… we raised plenty of awareness and a little money but frankly for me the new crush made it all worthwhile… I mean at this point my love life might as well become a charity. So what shall we call him… in light of what I realized on our date we shall call him Dial.

So when he picked me up I noticed from inside the house that the car was locked several times with the clicker- oh well, I do live in kind of a dicey neighborhood. But then when he came in and puppy took an instant shine to him and he immediately needed to wash his hands I got a little concerned- puppy is super clean, even puppy hates being outside and dirty! And then when the hand washing went on for a full two minutes- yes 120 seconds- I counted- the flag started waving.

The night progressed with wonderful conversation and several all too delicious cocktails and we ended up right back at my house. A few more quirks like not touching my throw blanket were noticed while we were making out like teenagers and then I so forwardly asked him if we could take it to the bedroom- yes yes yes- totally sluty moment to ask a man to stay over after our first date but I did- that man can kiss!

He agreed then when we made it upstairs he actually asked when I had last washed my sheets! Well at that point I knew this wasn’t going any further but couldn’t kick him out at that point. As soon as I confirmed that I had changed them just that afternoon I saw the relief on his face… a few more wonderful kisses and I was out like a light…

Till around 3 am when I was shook awake buy Dial- he was in full tilt panic mode and wanted to make sure I would lock the door behind him because he had to leave- I was so exhausted that I just went along with it- he left in such a rush but checked twice to make sure the door was locked behind him. It didn’t make any sense and I was so asleep that I fell back into bed.

But when I woke up in the morning with a vague recollection for the events of the night before I felt he had some explaining to do… so I waited till a more appropriate hour and called to ask what had happened that he fled my bed so suddenly (was secretly having major esteem issues that I had farted or something like that). So when he finally called me back and apologized I demanded to know what had happened… apparently he woke up and could not remember if he had left his back porch door locked! So he left me alone in bed to drive 20 minutes back across town to make sure it was locked… and of course it was! So hmmmm- can I date an OCD stud???

Lame ass theory- or is it?

In an effort to end it on the right note the crew decided to pack it up and get out of town to celebrate the final days of summer with a view of the water. That being said- I, being the creative genius that I am- prefer to drive alone. Yes- I love having my own wheels- kinda like an escape plan but honestly I tend to get some of my best ideas during windshield time so I carefully crafted my busy Friday so that I would be leaving a little later thus having my solo ride to think. Well, that lasted about an hour in when this crazy truck comes honking and flashing up behind me…Oh hot damn the boys were running late too.

So at the first stoplight we hit…(hmm what shall I name him for this story…Guy shall we) Guy hopped out of the boys car and jumped in my front seat. Let me back up a little- Guy is a guy’s guy, he goes out of his way to be an ass and make people think he is a douche bag. Guy comes off as the biggest tool in town, he treats girls like shit and somehow (actually I know the whole story- it is great) acquired the nickname of: Slut Mustard- all in all he is a total RedFlag. All that being said Guy has moments of such sincerity and support and that is why he is a friend. He has strangely been there at moments where I needed someone and didn’t even know it, he has had my back and has called me out when I am in the wrong.

I had so rudely had my alone time interrupted I decided Guy was going to pay for it. Since I had him stuck in the car with me I figured that he had some explaining to do- I truly did not understand the whole jack ass façade and I wanted answers. And shockingly he provided them…the whole thing is his way to weed out the people who really aren’t his friends, that if a person can hang in there through the all the douchie jack-assness and prove to him that they are real then he lets it down and is their friend- forever. That people that instantly become your best friend aren’t true and will not be there when you really need them.

I tried to press harder on the topic because I thought it was the stupidest thing I have ever heard and just as the pressure ramped up we hit another light and Guy literally jumped out of my car while it was still moving…jack ass.

It left me thinking…all of my closest friends have admitted to ma at some point that they thought I was bitch before we became friends, and yet all those friends are my life lines, I know that they will be there for me no matter what… So is Guy right? Do we need to test out our friends before we know they are for real? And if that is the case- do we need to test our suitors? If this theory is successful it leaves us with an amazing way to ensure that friends are real- could we ever pull this off to test a boyfriend? I sense an amazing experiment for fall…now to find the perfect test subject…

Is it ever OK???

This weekend in a nod of recognition to Melrose Place being brought back to life once again I spent a lovely afternoon at my friend’s apartment complex pool. While I basked in the heat of the final days of summer and made a half hearted attempt at finishing my book, I found it increasingly difficult to do so because of the three girls who decided to park it at the water’s edge right in front of me. The girls were very obviously straight out of college and embarking on very “grown up” lives and relationships. It took everything I had to sit in silence and pretend to read my book as I listened to these girls trade tales of hacking into their boyfriends’ facebook pages and scrolling through their blackberries of course ending the relationship with what they found.

Now I fully admit- I have no room to judge- do any of us??? Who didn’t, when they first started driving, do the occasional drive-by to see if the heart throb was home or not…or before a first date googled the person to see what we could find out? Isn’t that what the advances in modern technology are for???

Stalking, originally a man’s sport involving dogs, giant stags and guns has now taken on a new 21st century twist and suddenly it appears to be a ladies game.

According to our friends over at Urban Dictionary, Stalking is defined with the following three definitions:
1. A show of one's devotion.
2. When no just isn't enough
3. To follow and/or spy on someone you have feelings for.

Recently I have been plagued with tearful calls from girlfriends all over the country, all with one common theme- they “kinda” stalked their boyfriend and didn’t like what they found. Be it an email account left open on a laptop or a phone left at her house, apparently we ladies can’t help ourselves. While women are known to have maternal instinct and to be more in touch with suspicion can we be trusted to not look??? Finding emails, text messages and pictures from girls unknown on occasions when these boyfriends were having “a guy’s weekend” or “visiting family” bring on all sorts of questions- but how do you get to the bottom of that without admitting you looked? So instead of recognizing the major Red Flag that he is obviously a liar and possibly a cheat, they go into red alert Sherlock Holmes mode and try to bust him. It never works- the busting or the relationship. So I wonder these two things- is it really worth looking? And is it OK to look? Now ideally a man would have nothing hide and frankly the smart ones are familiar with the delete button- so are these guys just begging to be caught?

Regardless of it is OK or if they want to be caught- it happens every day all over the world and it seems that just like the classic man’s game of stalking their prey a heart gets hurt in our ladies game as well- only in our game it usually doesn’t result in a fabulous dinner feast and the stalker is the one hurt instead of the prey. So ladies, why do we do this to ourselves, have we lost the ability to just simply trust? So I am extending the challenge to myself and all of you out there- don’t do it. If you get a nagging feeling in your gut- talk to him don’t stalk him and if he doesn’t make you feel better and you still feel unsettled- WAKE UP- it is a Red Flag telling you he isn’t the one- get out and move on.

Swift kick in the…

What is it about break-ups that inspire ours ex’s to suddenly get it together and make all those changes that they never made when they were with us? The classic get in shape- look hot change is one thing- I can deal with that, yes it stings to suddenly see your ex’s sans his beer gut but still I can get past it. I’m talking the major take a stand issues that they were not willing budge on when together that they suddenly do a 180 on and leave us feeling like we have been kicked in the gut and asking why couldn’t he/she do that when we were together?

One of my girls invested so many years with a guy that day in and day out told her he didn’t believe in marriage, liked his long hair(from his hippie days) and wasn’t sure he ever wanted to have kids. She finally has moved on and is engaged to a wonderful man, but I have to say I nearly fell off my stilettos the other night when I ran into him. First I didn’t recognize him because of his neat and clean hair and face, but second the shit-ass grin on his face told it all as I followed his arm down and noticed not only shiny new wedding ring but the glowing pregnant woman he was holding hands with! Talk about a 180- marriage and impending fatherhood suit him almost as nicely as his hair cut and clean shave!

That really kinda had me rattled that such a major shift had happened in such a short time- well I guess not so short- clearly at least months.

And then last night I found out that my ex, after several years of false promises and complaining, has gotten it all together and is thriving. Years of complaining about how much he hated his job and just a few months out and he quits his job and starts his own business- that is no doubt killing it in this miserable economy. I am thrilled for him but seriously- why could he have not done that while we were together- maybe it would have changed things if he was happier with that part of his life- and maybe it wouldn’t.

I can’t sit here and wallow in wondering why and why not- it didn’t work when we were together and there were way too many Red Flags and as my friend who gave me the scoop said- When I broke it off I gave him the kick in the ass he needed. So there we have it- best of luck to him but it has gotten me thinking about all the kicks I have doled out over the years…

Apparently I have a magical kick- at last count I have something like 11 ex’s that married (or are engaged to) the girl they dated after me! My high school boyfriend married the very next girl he dated, several of my college boyfriends married the girl right after me so I guess I should hold my breath and wait for the big news that my latest ex will soon be diamond shopping as well…

So instead of drowning in my sorrows and having a diamond-less pity party I extend the invitation- ladies- you want to get married- watch out for my castoffs- as the odds show clearly I screw them up so bad or scare them somehow that the next sane willing girl they find they slip a ring her finger and hold on for dear life

Trader Jealous…

There are many moments I absolutely love being single:

-Being able to veg out and watch soaps and Bravo TV all night

-Not having to “fix” dinner and instead opt for a bowl of cereal

-Sleeping in the very middle of the bed- with pink sheets on it no less

-Reading books till all hours of the night (books like Twilight 1-4 and not get grief)

-Waking up early and blasting music(cheesy music at that)

-Doing exercise videos in the living room and leaving the yoga mat and ball out like they are part of the décor

-The prospect of meeting someone amazing around every corner

-Being able to flirt- shamelessly

-Wearing high heels while I clean the house

-Singing at the top of my lungs in the shower

-Letting the puppy sleep on the bed

But then there are the times when I get that tug of loneliness at being single like when I am in the middle of the bed all along or when I want to cook and it is way too much food for just me or on date night. But never before have I been caught so off guard by that nagging tug of singleness than I just had happen in the most unlikely of places… in an effort to be more healthy and responsible about my eating habits, I braved the suburbs to hit up Trader Joe’s- it was slammed. At first I just took it as trendy market in the suburbs= crowed mess but then I noticed it was all couples and families. And while it is bad enough to be the rare single stuck in the sea of couples, the line to check out was a zoo- suddenly it looked more like Sam’s Club than Trader Joe’s.

It wasn’t until I, basket weighed down with farm fresh goodies, was in the non-moving line that I figured it out… the couples were tag-team shopping! One would hold the place in line while the other ran around and got more groceries. The couples that were in line with fairly empty carriages were suddenly overflowing by the time they got to the register- thus causing single little me to exhaust myself struggling with my basket that got heavier despite the fact it was not growing like the couple carriages. As I loaded up my chic reusable bags into my incredibly un-environmentally friendly SUV, I suddenly got sad, but as I rushed out of the swirling mess of suburban sprawl and back into my fabulous single metropolis the joys of singledom came rushing back when I realized I was going to eat champagne grapes, triple cream brie and organic stone ground crackers for dinner with a mini bottle of bubbly and three days worth of Young and the Restless to catch up on- for just a moment the grass looked greener but damn it was a fantastic night especially when I finally finished book four at 2:30am with all the lights on!- aghh Sweet Dreams of Edward- but that’s a whole other blog entry…