Is it ever OK???

This weekend in a nod of recognition to Melrose Place being brought back to life once again I spent a lovely afternoon at my friend’s apartment complex pool. While I basked in the heat of the final days of summer and made a half hearted attempt at finishing my book, I found it increasingly difficult to do so because of the three girls who decided to park it at the water’s edge right in front of me. The girls were very obviously straight out of college and embarking on very “grown up” lives and relationships. It took everything I had to sit in silence and pretend to read my book as I listened to these girls trade tales of hacking into their boyfriends’ facebook pages and scrolling through their blackberries of course ending the relationship with what they found.

Now I fully admit- I have no room to judge- do any of us??? Who didn’t, when they first started driving, do the occasional drive-by to see if the heart throb was home or not…or before a first date googled the person to see what we could find out? Isn’t that what the advances in modern technology are for???

Stalking, originally a man’s sport involving dogs, giant stags and guns has now taken on a new 21st century twist and suddenly it appears to be a ladies game.

According to our friends over at Urban Dictionary, Stalking is defined with the following three definitions:
1. A show of one's devotion.
2. When no just isn't enough
3. To follow and/or spy on someone you have feelings for.

Recently I have been plagued with tearful calls from girlfriends all over the country, all with one common theme- they “kinda” stalked their boyfriend and didn’t like what they found. Be it an email account left open on a laptop or a phone left at her house, apparently we ladies can’t help ourselves. While women are known to have maternal instinct and to be more in touch with suspicion can we be trusted to not look??? Finding emails, text messages and pictures from girls unknown on occasions when these boyfriends were having “a guy’s weekend” or “visiting family” bring on all sorts of questions- but how do you get to the bottom of that without admitting you looked? So instead of recognizing the major Red Flag that he is obviously a liar and possibly a cheat, they go into red alert Sherlock Holmes mode and try to bust him. It never works- the busting or the relationship. So I wonder these two things- is it really worth looking? And is it OK to look? Now ideally a man would have nothing hide and frankly the smart ones are familiar with the delete button- so are these guys just begging to be caught?

Regardless of it is OK or if they want to be caught- it happens every day all over the world and it seems that just like the classic man’s game of stalking their prey a heart gets hurt in our ladies game as well- only in our game it usually doesn’t result in a fabulous dinner feast and the stalker is the one hurt instead of the prey. So ladies, why do we do this to ourselves, have we lost the ability to just simply trust? So I am extending the challenge to myself and all of you out there- don’t do it. If you get a nagging feeling in your gut- talk to him don’t stalk him and if he doesn’t make you feel better and you still feel unsettled- WAKE UP- it is a Red Flag telling you he isn’t the one- get out and move on.

Swift kick in the…

What is it about break-ups that inspire ours ex’s to suddenly get it together and make all those changes that they never made when they were with us? The classic get in shape- look hot change is one thing- I can deal with that, yes it stings to suddenly see your ex’s sans his beer gut but still I can get past it. I’m talking the major take a stand issues that they were not willing budge on when together that they suddenly do a 180 on and leave us feeling like we have been kicked in the gut and asking why couldn’t he/she do that when we were together?

One of my girls invested so many years with a guy that day in and day out told her he didn’t believe in marriage, liked his long hair(from his hippie days) and wasn’t sure he ever wanted to have kids. She finally has moved on and is engaged to a wonderful man, but I have to say I nearly fell off my stilettos the other night when I ran into him. First I didn’t recognize him because of his neat and clean hair and face, but second the shit-ass grin on his face told it all as I followed his arm down and noticed not only shiny new wedding ring but the glowing pregnant woman he was holding hands with! Talk about a 180- marriage and impending fatherhood suit him almost as nicely as his hair cut and clean shave!

That really kinda had me rattled that such a major shift had happened in such a short time- well I guess not so short- clearly at least months.

And then last night I found out that my ex, after several years of false promises and complaining, has gotten it all together and is thriving. Years of complaining about how much he hated his job and just a few months out and he quits his job and starts his own business- that is no doubt killing it in this miserable economy. I am thrilled for him but seriously- why could he have not done that while we were together- maybe it would have changed things if he was happier with that part of his life- and maybe it wouldn’t.

I can’t sit here and wallow in wondering why and why not- it didn’t work when we were together and there were way too many Red Flags and as my friend who gave me the scoop said- When I broke it off I gave him the kick in the ass he needed. So there we have it- best of luck to him but it has gotten me thinking about all the kicks I have doled out over the years…

Apparently I have a magical kick- at last count I have something like 11 ex’s that married (or are engaged to) the girl they dated after me! My high school boyfriend married the very next girl he dated, several of my college boyfriends married the girl right after me so I guess I should hold my breath and wait for the big news that my latest ex will soon be diamond shopping as well…

So instead of drowning in my sorrows and having a diamond-less pity party I extend the invitation- ladies- you want to get married- watch out for my castoffs- as the odds show clearly I screw them up so bad or scare them somehow that the next sane willing girl they find they slip a ring her finger and hold on for dear life

Trader Jealous…

There are many moments I absolutely love being single:

-Being able to veg out and watch soaps and Bravo TV all night

-Not having to “fix” dinner and instead opt for a bowl of cereal

-Sleeping in the very middle of the bed- with pink sheets on it no less

-Reading books till all hours of the night (books like Twilight 1-4 and not get grief)

-Waking up early and blasting music(cheesy music at that)

-Doing exercise videos in the living room and leaving the yoga mat and ball out like they are part of the décor

-The prospect of meeting someone amazing around every corner

-Being able to flirt- shamelessly

-Wearing high heels while I clean the house

-Singing at the top of my lungs in the shower

-Letting the puppy sleep on the bed

But then there are the times when I get that tug of loneliness at being single like when I am in the middle of the bed all along or when I want to cook and it is way too much food for just me or on date night. But never before have I been caught so off guard by that nagging tug of singleness than I just had happen in the most unlikely of places… in an effort to be more healthy and responsible about my eating habits, I braved the suburbs to hit up Trader Joe’s- it was slammed. At first I just took it as trendy market in the suburbs= crowed mess but then I noticed it was all couples and families. And while it is bad enough to be the rare single stuck in the sea of couples, the line to check out was a zoo- suddenly it looked more like Sam’s Club than Trader Joe’s.

It wasn’t until I, basket weighed down with farm fresh goodies, was in the non-moving line that I figured it out… the couples were tag-team shopping! One would hold the place in line while the other ran around and got more groceries. The couples that were in line with fairly empty carriages were suddenly overflowing by the time they got to the register- thus causing single little me to exhaust myself struggling with my basket that got heavier despite the fact it was not growing like the couple carriages. As I loaded up my chic reusable bags into my incredibly un-environmentally friendly SUV, I suddenly got sad, but as I rushed out of the swirling mess of suburban sprawl and back into my fabulous single metropolis the joys of singledom came rushing back when I realized I was going to eat champagne grapes, triple cream brie and organic stone ground crackers for dinner with a mini bottle of bubbly and three days worth of Young and the Restless to catch up on- for just a moment the grass looked greener but damn it was a fantastic night especially when I finally finished book four at 2:30am with all the lights on!- aghh Sweet Dreams of Edward- but that’s a whole other blog entry…

Café Oh LaLa…

So clearly I spoke way too soon! After my horrid not a home-made dinner date I stupidly in some masochistic moment agreed to an early morning rendezvous with the Capitan on his way jetting back in and out of town again. I truly thought my little moment of weakness would be a brilliant way to prove to myself that I was over it and over my crush…oh how wrong I was. He walked in with the most brilliant smile and twinkle in his eyes that only he has- and that was it…

The butterflies took off at a frantic pace and I was done…all those feelings came rushing right on back. As we sat chatting (ironically about his insane traveling and unavailability) and catching up, he looked me in the eyes and instantly I felt like I was not only the luckiest but the only girl in the world! Yes- I know that sounds a bit dramatic but let me tell you- The Capitan has magical powers: with one little smirk he can melt your heart, with one touch and he can send shockwaves through your entire body and with one look right into your eyes suddenly the rest of the world disappears.

So damn it all-Crush on The Capitan in all his unavailability is back on!

Tousle me perfect

So date night… sounded like a dream come true, a gorgeous personable man asked to cook me dinner. While I opted to skip cutting the grass so I could have adequate time to look effortlessly chic for my dinner date. I antagonized over what to wear- to look chic and comfortable without looking overdone or (horror of horrors) underdone. With my hair perfectly tousled- Thank you Herbal Essence for the new tousled collection!

With the puppy neglected (yes I shortened his walk to have time to shave my legs!), the grass overgrown, and the hair, make-up and outfit all prefect I headed over for my dinner date. I rocked out to my cheesy hip hop on the way over and as I waited for him to buzz me in I actually had butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. The first thing that hit me when he opened the door was not the delicious smell of food or awe of his handsomeness…it was the fact that he was in work-out attire. Now don’t get me wrong- there is something extremely sexy about tear-away pants but I am talking sweaty gross mesh shorts and gross tee-shirt with the sleeves cut off… and he was sweaty! So I am thinking he must have really worked hard on dinner. Oh my mistake! There was take out from the grocery- at least it was the swanky deli one not the Food Kitty.

I decided to plow forward and overlook it all, after all he did have an amazingly charismatic spirit- and yes we had a great time talking about everything from natural disasters and politics to future hopes and dreams. So I was thrilled when he suggested that we go out for a cocktail and keep the night going for awhile longer.
My handsome date poured me a glass of wine and turned on the TV for me and said he was just going to hop in the shower quickly… and there it was- the Red Flag that smacked me in the face. After 45 minutes and not a sight or even a sound of him- I decided it was time to be a bit forward and wander back into his bedroom and see what was going on. 45 minutes and he was wearing only a towel- I am not complaining- it was a lovely sight but seriously what kind of guy takes 45 minutes to shower?? Since it is summer time and there is nothing on television he asked me to stay and keep him company while he got ready. And yes we were talking and having a good time but it was another whole hour before he was satisfied with his outfit and had every hair perfectly tousled – and this time it wasn’t thanks to Herbal Essence- he literally placed his hair into the right place!!! So with all the primping finally done we headed down the elevator to go out and it was raining- guess who couldn’t get his hair wet?

So I thanked him for the lovely evening and headed home before another Flag could hit me in the face.

Growing it out...

So, today is just one of those days that make condo life so wonderful. Between the mosquitoes and the heat having to cut grass is just a miserable concept! It all seems so quaint and nice to have a cute little yard- but alas, as a single girl who would rather buy shoes than pay a yard guy- cutting the grass is for the birds! So, like my hairstyle today- I’m growing it out!!! After all I need to spend my time getting ready for my dinner date- a hunk that can cook (I know there are some Red Flags lurking somewhere- just hope not in the dinner, I am hungry)- stay tuned this should be interesting…

Blowing in the Wind...

While these last few weeks of summer have been horrifically hot and stale perhaps the winds of change have slowed a little. I have, for quite some time now, had quite the spring fling crush and there have been so many Red Flags smacking me in the face- yet I kept falling. But alas, the stale stagnate dog days of summer have let the winds die down and now I am feeling the sting of all those flags. So with rosy pink cheeks from all those slaps in the face I am able to finally see it…Gasp!!!

I was falling for Captain Unavailable!!! He is devastatingly handsome with a smile that makes you feel like you are the only girl in the world, he kisses with perfection that goes all the way to your toes, he is smart and driven and when not wanting to rip his clothes off I could talk to him for hours on end about everything and nothing. So what’s the problem you ask??? Well aside from the major flaw of being totally 100% emotionally unavailable- I am talking deep scars to the heart that aren’t going to heal any time soon. He is a total workaholic- I am one that normally finds ambition and passion very sexy but this is crazy- I am talking round the clock. We want very different things out of life, from marriage and children, to politics, to cats versus dogs…

So this past week on a long walk in the heat somewhere between the cute cape-cod and the country club I realized it- I wanted him because I can’t have him and in reality- I don’t really want him at all! And thank goodness I realized it- just in time for the winds of change to blow in my direction and whisk me away to a fabulous weekend with the girls- where the champagne was flowing much like our hair in the breeze and the boys – Oh the boys of summer! I received something like 26 texts, 13 drunken calls and even one drunken email (personally I am a huge fan of the drunken e-mail, that takes some serious focus) and one drop-in this weekend; and all the while I slept all alone in the very middle of my bed exhausted from being fabulous with my best girls! With all those proclamations of (drunken) love/lust/longing and hunger in one instance- why was I wasting my time being hung up on something I don’t even want in the long run?

So oh well- a little time wasted but Labor Day is a few weeks out still so the way I see it- game on boys let’s play! Time to make these last weeks of summer count… here’s hoping I actually am over the Captain!

Books, Covers, Judging...

So from looking at this picture I am sure you are thinking: ADD rears its ugly head this morning! Well sort of actually. The picture of the tools yes- I got to playing around on Photoshop with this and was dying to write my thoughts on what this picture made me think of- however ADD did get in the way- I had way too many directions to take it and I figured you (that is if anyone is reading this?) didn’t want to read a month’s worth of posts all on the subject of tools- so I turned to my friends and asked what the image makes them think of. Here are my favorite responses:

-Um, the pic says to me that the guys are tools-aka "stains of the earth". If they are huge tools, I prefer to call them "tool sheds."

-I met that stripper in Vegas that looked just like that, which was a nice thing....we talked every day until he flew over here...after that, he just stopped calling.... imagine, looking that hot, and still a complete tool bag underneath it all. The only thing good about him was that he was hot, and could move in ways that people only dreamed of....

-Ex boyfriend from hell. He was so good looking, great dresser, looked great in clothes or without them.....then he opened his mouth. He opened his mouth and it ruined my perfect imagine that guys can be a complete package. I guess then I learned that looks don't matter. Most of the hot ones are dicks anyway. They never have to work for anything, so why, if you are in a relationship with them would they work for you?? They honestly think that you are the lucky one to be with them. They just don't get it...

-They are the ones that we hook up with, tell our girlfriends about it over a glass of wine, and then how we could never date them. Looks fade, and honestly, I need someone with just a little more than looks....they are also the guys that only sleep with young girls.... real women wouldn't put up with that

That last one really got me thinking (first how wise that one friend has suddenly gotten since she now has a fantastic future husband) about the dates I have had, the success and failures in direct correlation with appearance and I think she might be on to something. While still very unsure of how to take this entry I went for a girl’s night to see Julie & Julia. It was a great flick- the book is really good too, read it first- but what really struck me was not Julie or Julia but Paul- Julia’s husband. There in the midst of two mega stars cooking and trying to cook is a very touching love story of the husbands that stood beside them. Paul Child who could have literally hid in his wife’s shadow proudly stood by her, loved her, supported her and encouraged her to follow her dreams. Stanley Tucci is one of my favorite actors but he absolutely melted my heart in this role. So, I have to look back- my biggest dating flop was in fact with a guy who was devastatingly handsome and quite possibly dressed better than me, followed up by a mess of drama with another hot young thing and who could forget the hot mess I dated back in college (who from what I hear is not hot anymore- haha Karma is a bitch!)- these beautiful boys were gorgeous to look at, fun for awhile but then at the point where it becomes a relationship and you have to take on the care and concern of another- they fled, opting to choose-as the late MJ said “the man in the mirror”
On that same note I also had to look back at the success(and yes- I have had success), and I swear (on my beloved puppy) that all of those were with guys who were, how do I put it??? Vertically challenged. Yes the two best relationships of my checkered past have been with guys that were my height or not much taller than me. And come to think of it they both had very porn-staresque names( hmmmm???? I feel an interesting experiment coming on) First came the college heartbreak (- but really it was all worth it and all for the best so not really a heartbreak) and then came the Yankee. And come to think of it- both of these guys are still my friends- it just wasn’t right- it ended we moved on and with a few dramatic exceptions it was the most peaceful mature break-up. The tall hunky ones were not such clean breaks and are not quite at friend status still.

So does this whole revelation blow my theory of judging books by their cover out of the water? Well I just can’t say yes to that- I much too much love my color coordinated bookshelves! But instead I will proclaim support of the saying: Good things come in Small Packages---oh no- that sounds awful because let’s be honest size does matter- so I guess I have to toss my theory and say it is TRUE- don’t judge a book by its cover because as Stanley Tucci proves- love comes in all shapes, sizes and hairstyles.

Mixing it up...

So I will fully admit- I have been known to throw a mixed signal here and there. I work in a very male dominated industry so as to avoid any unfortunate incidences I keep a framed picture of me and my best friend (who happens to be a pretty great looking guy) on my desk. I have also been known to don a fake engagement ring, especially when I worked in men’s fashion because nothing says class like getting asked out when measuring his inseam! I admit I have also taken to wearing one when traveling and knowing that I will be stuck on a long flight- never once in all my frequent flyer miles has a cute guy ever sat next to me- I seem to be a magnet for the D-bags drowning in Drakkar Noir.

But really how odd is that? Girls are assumed to be the ones to be the head cases and masters of mixed signals. We are emotional and at times manipulative- opps I really did admit that be we all know it is true.
However, the boys of summer seem to have taken it upon themselves to mix it up and become the ones to get emotional. I actually first noticed it starting early in the season, when the nights were just starting to heat up- I had a flight in from Chicago and shock of shocks I had a delay! I had a blast people watching and didn’t think much of it because I had just spent some much needed fun catch up-time with a fabulous old friend. But Guy-of-the-Moment got so bent out of shape…how dare my flight delay ruin his plans that he had for us to celebrate my birthday??? What was US Air thinking??? By the time I got home he was pissy and the night ended with me going to bed alone. WTF? We could have still had a great night but his pissy mood ruined it. Jump forward a few weeks, and I forgot another Guy-of-the-Moment’s birthday, to clarify we were not actually dating (I have known him for years however) and I don’t ever remember birthdays if not for Facebook reminders. So a day late I called and sang and apologized for missing it- well guess what- he is still sulking!- another one bites the dust- no time for pity parties! I recently caught up with one of my most fabulous girlfriends who has been plagued with one of these backwards boys of summer for the last few months- what she thought was a hot successful bachelor has turned into a blubbering mess of tears and accusations of her not loving him enough. Yet another has been in the throes of this fantastic long distance summer fling with declarations of love and a future- come to find out he has a girlfriend that has been given the same promises and professions- isn’t Facebook a bitch!

So, with fall approaching and the nights cooling off, will the world of dating balance out? Will we, women, return to our emotional signal mixing ways or will the boys of summer keep crying???

Boys will be boys...

What is it about summer and bad boys? They seem to go hand in hand. Even the obnoxious anthems of summer seem to take on the bad boy vibe, namely my over played fave: “don’t trust me” by 3OH!3- yes I admit it I love cheesy pop rock with wanna-be ghetto undertones.

I will also fully admit I think the heat drives me a little mad, thus making the jack-asses more appealing but this summer I literally witnessed a shift among the men in my world…they became boys of summer-bad boys! And not like my all time favorite, Chuck Bass but more along the lines of Sebastian Valmont (Cruel Intentions if you didn’t catch that one). As the days got warmer their blood started to heat up- the ones that were in relationships got antsy and all of the sudden they were single (or cheating) and these boys hit the scene with a vengeance this summer- aptly dubbed the Man-Whore Tour 2009 for a few of them. The number of late night drunk dials and drizity drunk texts have gone through the roof in the last two months and I am curious about these last few weeks of summer- have the bad boys hit their peak or is there more trouble to be had???
I am anxiously excited to find out…

The Games We Play...Still

So in a recent and very scary trip to Toys R Us to get one of my more family minded friends a gift I had a moment of clarity in the board game aisle…we are still playing all the same games we did as kids- only now the stakes are higher and it isn’t play money involved.

I always loved Pretty Pretty Princess and as evident from the explosion I call my closet I still do; but from a dating perspective things haven’t changed there at all either… Any busy night at the bar of the moment is a bit like a game of Twister to get to the bar and procure a drink from the (most likely jack-ass) bartender- left foot red, right hand yellow (opps watch out for that loser on you left!) as you go for left hand green a very handsome guy grazes your chest as he goes for right hand red to get his beer- you see where I am going with this… and occasionally you do end up “falling” into someone who makes it all worth it, and sometimes we end up in a tangled mess. Sunday Brunch has taken of the game Girl Talk- no real explanation needed except instead of zit sticker we have enormous sunglasses and scrappy ponytails and the occasional beard burn (come on ladies you know it has happened to you before- who can resist a 5o’clock shadow after a few martinis) as evidence of our embarrassments(mistakes, conquests- insert last night’s action here) from the night before. We sit around and instead of having a game spinner we have a pitcher of sangria or mimosas to help us decide if we should call him or not. And occasionally time with the girlfriends leads into a real life game of Mystery Date… but isn’t that what all those online dating sights are anyway? It’s all in the roll of the dice or now- the click of the mouse. And while on the subject of said sights; aren’t they a bit like Dweebs Geeks and Weirdos too? You hope and hope to land on the elusive cool guy but really, how good are those odds???

I was never a huge fan of Scrabble- mostly because I suck at spelling and have a tendency to make up words, but more and more I find communicating with the opposite sex to be quite a bit like Scrabble; they give you all this rubbish that you are supposed to somehow put together to make some coherent conclusion about how they feel about you. Sometimes the gibberish they give you makes one of those words worth tons of points and other times it some stupid generic sentiment that gets you like 3 points and then occasionally you end up making up a word and getting disqualified.

But I find the single named games form my childhood are the ones that seem to really have crept back into my life with the most relevance when it comes to dating: Clue, Sorry, Monopoly (that is pretty close to monogamy right?)and Risk… Well Clue is pretty obvious, that Red Flag moment and the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to fall because he is too good to be true. Sorry- the most common and sometimes hardest word to use in a relationship. Monopoly- well frankly it takes just as long to play that game as it does to get into a monogamous relationship and by that point you have hopefully eluded going to jail but have most likely spent most of your money impressing him with either your brilliant property purchases or in my case- new clothes. And then the big one, the one it is all about: Risk, only this time it isn’t world domination we are after. I recently had a conversation with an amazing man who said that at our age it is too hard to risk a “good” relationship to see if there was a “better” one out there. While I absolutely adore this man, I full heartedly disagree with him, (not even going there on the “good” thing- I will not settle for anything less than “GREAT”) at this age I say we can’t afford not to risk it. Every wonderful part of my life has included risk. Yes, there have been times where taking a risk landed me flat on my face (but so does that game of Twister occasionally) but every great and meaningful part of me has come from taking a risk on something or someone.

So I say Game On, I cherish my rounds of Girl Talk, am finding Scrabble a bit easier, am starting to rock at Clue and Sorry, I am not afraid of Risk… swirl it all up and we have The Game of Life, and maybe just maybe I will end up like that couple on the box cover- smiling and driving off in a convertible!